Purpose in Pain

In the words of a familiar song, “this year’s felt like four seasons of winter” in my world. It’s been tragic to be honest…

My daughter is lost in deep darkness. It has been exhausting and deeply painful. She is not herself in any capacity. She simply isn’t here. Physically or mentally. I know I’m not the first one around this block and I’ve been through the lies that every mother goes through. Is it my fault? What could I have done differently? Will all my prayers and declarations shift this? Will I ever get back that sweet, beautiful girl full of joy and amazing gifts that I knew? How do you quit someone who has loved and cared for you for 18 years? What could I have done to deserve that? How long will it take God’s Word to produce in her? I know I haven’t sown God’s Kingdom in vain yet the rejection and the isolation are unbearable at times. It feels like a death or a divorce. A messy divorce. But the reality of these conversations in my head is that they are all selfish. They all put the focus on me.

My oldest son turned 11 two days ago. We had just enjoyed a wonderful week at the beach with family and he had been showered with love and gifts. But on his actual day to celebrate we were driving home. All day long. He didn’t get much of a day, really. He was on a journey. He had to wait until after the trip to really experience what he had wanted for his day. It seemed to the natural eye like his day had been kept from him. I started to see the parallel.

Eleven is a transitional number in the Bible. Transition is always a dangerous place. You are a moving target and though you may have made plans and preparations for your future, you cannot control the circumstances around you. You are being targeted by two vastly different kingdoms. You are on your way to a new day, a hope and a future, but you are left waiting with your thoughts and the thoughts of others, uninvited. What will you believe?

My son could have gone into the narrative in his mind where he was forgotten and not celebrated when it was his time to shine. He could have sulked and felt like he wasn’t loved or given what he wanted. For heaven’s sake- WHY would his parents allow the schedule of the trip to leave us traveling on his birthday? Yet, not once did he complain. He realized all he had been blessed with already. He sang his songs and enjoyed his options. He rode with the terrain and trusted that he would be celebrated and rewarded and that he would see his day. He ultimately received more than he expected as his day became day(s) of recognition and reward. The reality for him is that the last decade and all the cards it dealt him are done. They have nothing left to say. He didn’t waste his imaginations on what it might have said. He transitioned into his new day. He is now beginning a new decade in his life and by the time he finishes, he will have become a man.

Sometimes, if we could just see past the day it would change our lives. We would see that we are coming into perfection. The Father already knew what we would face and struggle with on the journey. He has already prepared a glorious future for us. He just wanted to see what we would say about it. He wanted to see if we believed Him, if we would keep going.

I had a moment in my secret place recently when I began to sing to the Lord and it was deeply sad. I realized while I was singing that I couldn’t just keep singing the same sad song. So I sang it until a new song came forth. The new song became hopeful and bright. Sometimes we have to just sing our way into a new day. Sing your sad song to the Lord. Keep singing until you run out of sad. But don’t stop there. Recognize the day, the moment of transition. Let a new song be established in you and let it rise. Sing your new song to the God who makes all things new. Sing it loud. Don’t let your song die. Don’t let your fire go out. Stay in love. It will carry you into a new day. Just keep moving forward into the goodness of God. With faith and patience you will inherit His promises. Sometimes, it is exercising faith when you just keep going. Do whatever God has put in your heart to do. It doesn’t mean you are ignoring your circumstances, it means that you have faith that God is working all things out for His glory and your good and so you get up and go to work too. When you quit fulfilling your purpose is when you have lost faith.

So, I get to choose today to see my daughter in Jesus. I get to choose to believe this day and every day that I shall see Sarah whole again, loving Jesus with all of her heart, soul, mind, and strength and fulfilling her destiny as it is written in Him. I refuse to waste my imagination on doubt and fear. I get to declare this day, as I do every day, that she is healed, delivered, and set free in 2019 because this is the year of the favor of the Lord and I shall see God’s goodness manifested in my bloodline. He has never failed me. But, I have to go to work anyway and every day. I am not qualified by an answer I am waiting for. I am qualified by the One who called me to move in faith while I wait for Him.

What has this last season or decade been like for you? What do you say about it? What if you knew that you were about to step into a new day, would it change how you’ve defined it?

Lord, as Your appointed meaning makers help us to fashion what we see on our journey with Your eye. Forgive us where we have made any part of it about ourselves or haven’t appreciated what You were doing in us, as Your sons. May we live from Your heart and mind and never attribute evil to You or doubt Your promises, but may we always align our words and thoughts with Your Word and Your goodness as our perfect Father in Heaven.

Scripture references for transitional places:

“For the land you are entering to possess is not like the land of Egypt, from which you have come, where you sowed your seed and irrigated on foot, like a vegetable garden. But the land you are entering to possess is a land of mountains and valleys that drinks in the rain from heaven. It is a land the LORD your God cares for; the eyes of the LORD your God are always on it, from the beginning to the end of the year.… ” Deut. 11:11 (in context of 10-12), BSB

“I want you to know, dear ones, that what has happened to me has not hindered, but helped my ministry of preaching the gospel causing it to expand and spread to many people. And what I’m going through has actually caused many believers to become even more courageous in the Lord and to be bold and passionate to preach the Word of God, all because of my chains.” Philippians 1:12,14, TPT

“When it seems as though you are facing nothing but difficulties, see it as an invaluable opportunity to experience the greatest joy that you can! For you know that when your faith is tested it stirs up power within you to endure all things. And then as your endurance grows even stronger it will release perfection into every part of your being until there is nothing missing and nothing lacking.” James 1:2-4, TPT

“If your faith remains strong, even while surrounded by life’s difficulties, you will continue to experience the untold blessings of God! True happiness comes as you pass the test with faith, and receive the victorious crown of life promised to every lover of God!” James 1:12, TPT